Enough Already...

May 2007

Strolling down the Boardwalk, thinking about... the Boardwalk. In Ocean City, officials decided that it’s time to spruce up the boards. They did research, and found the best wood for the job – long lasting, capable of supporting lots of people and the occasional police cars or fire trucks, and able to withstand the salt and sand – would come from Brazil. So the order was made, and wouldn’t you know, some people were not happy. It seems the environmentalist faction objected because taking wood from Brazil, and the rain forests there, would help hasten global warming.

Look, I don’t know if I believe this global warming thing or not. I lean towards not. If it’s all based on a difference of one degree warmer climates than 100 years ago, I wonder what sort of thermostats were used back then.

Let’s see, stuff either not invented or just invented about 100 years ago would include cars, radios, telephones, and light bulbs. So we’re supposed to believe the scientific ability to measure the temperature of the planet was sophisticated enough to compare to technology of today? All right. Let’s say Al Gore is correct. He who uses twelve times as much energy per year, to heat his home, and guest house, as the average American. Icebergs are going to melt, the ocean is going to overflow, and AC casinos will be flooded around 2100. Some 100 years from now. I say let them worry about it. Their technology will make us seem as antiquated as ours does compared to 100 years ago. Maybe they’ll control the weather. Or have transporters to beam flooding water into outer space.

Or have flying cars that run on peanut butter. And by the way, where are the jet packs we were supposed to have by now??? Whatever. Now we have Sheryl Crow telling us to use one sheet of toilet paper at a time to slow down global warming. What if we all did? Would the ocean overflow in 2120 instead of 2100? If you start on Sheryl’s single ply plan, and If It Makes You Happy, please be happy as far away from me as possible. Oh and the Boardwalk protesters need to learn that wood is the only natural resource that replenishes. Quit talking about it, and go plant more trees.

82 Year Old Former Miss America foils crime...

Interesting that two Miss Americas made news last month, both involved in helping law enforcement.

I’m not impressed with the current, taking bows for helping police to catch child predators. I’m all for arresting them, mind you. But the cops have been doing it pretty well without a publicity stunt of having Miss America involved. In fact, they do it without usually even having a woman or a child taking part. Now Miss A. 1944, her story does impress. Eighty two year old Venus Ramey, living on a farm in Kentucky, recently had some equipment stolen. So when her dog barked strangely, Venus figured perhaps the game was afoot. She found a man trespassing.

He offered to just go ahead and leave. She said, no, he was staying until police arrived. Then, one hand on her walker, the other hand pulled a .38. And she pointed and fired. Taking out the tires of the guy’s car! Talk about your pistol packing mama! And to think her talent in the contest was the usual singing and dancing. By the way, since she was Miss America during WW II, her picture was often placed on planes used to shoot down Germans and Japanese opposition. So in a way, even then...

Speaking of shooting...

I don’t get too much about hockey. I get "He shoots, he scores!" But I don’t get what the Philadelphia Flyers management was shooting for this past season. They had a coach, Ken Hitchcock, who won a championship with Dallas.

In eight full seasons as an NHL head coach, his lowest win total was 40, with a high of 51. With Philly in the 2005-‘06 season, he led them to a record of 45-26-11. I understand they had a bad playoff series with Buffalo.

And the ‘06-‘07 season started badly, 1-6-1. That’s when owner Ed Snider lowered the ax, firing Hitchcock. That day, GM Bobby Clarke resigned. Gee, I wonder why. The Flyers went onto a record of 22-48-12, worst in the history of the team. And during that awful season, which included the longest losing streak in team history, Snider rewarded the new coach, and new GM, with bright and spiffy new two year contracts.

Hitchcock was quickly snapped up by Columbus. Being a good guy obviously didn’t save his job. I was having this conversation with a listener of my radio show. Nate in Northfield was telling me how he read an article a few years ago about Ken Hitchcock having lost a lot of weight. Nate wanted to know more details, and he called the Dallas Stars. Hitchcock took the time to call him back, and answer all of his questions. I could be wrong, but I don’t think a call to Dallas last year would have gotten that courtesy from, say, Bill Parcells. I’m sure the new coach and new GM think Mr. Snider is a nice guy.

FUN WITH E-MAIL

And speaking as we were earlier of looking toward the future, this month’s Fun With E-Mail brought my box thoughts to consider, someday...

Headlines From The Year 2029

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what... NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing.

Greg Maiuro is host of The Asociated Press’ Award Winning “Sports Goomba’s” radio show. The popular show can be heard on NewsTalk 1400 WOND AM on Fridays from 6PM to 8PM.