Theory of Parallel Celebrity Deaths...

October 2007

Strolling down the boardwalk, thinking about The Theory of Parallel Celebrity Deaths Within A Year Apart. What?

You haven’t heard of this? Okay, it’s my own theory. I consider it an offshoot of the Celebrity Deaths in Threes Theory. But it’s much more unusual. Quick, who were the most famous singing cowboys in movie history?

Sure, Roy Rogers and Gene Autry.

Both began their careers in film in the mid-1930's. Can you imagine if they sat down back then, and speculated on their lives and deaths, they would go not only within a year of each other, some 60 years later, but within four months? Rogers died in July of 1998, Autry in October of 1998. Here are some others: Tonight Show hosts Jack Paar and Johnny Carson died within a year of each other. Legendary film pair and movie Odd Couple Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau went within a year of each other. Kitty Carlisle and Tom Poston, together doing To Tell The Truth in the 1960s, died this year in the same month, in fact 13 days apart.

1970s Match Game regulars Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers went in 2007 as well, within four months. TV talkers Tom Snyder and Merv Griffin passed exactly two weeks apart this summer. McLean Stevenson, Col. Henry Blake on the M*A*S*H TV show, died February 15th, 1996. Roger Bowen, Col. Henry Blake in M*A*S*H the movie, died February 16th, 1996. And these are just the ones I’ve noticed in the last dozen years.

There’s another even more famous, before my time. July 4th, 1826, 50 years to the day of America’s independence, two of the greatest patriots passed. President number two, John Adams, and president number three, Thomas Jefferson. Same day, within hours, far apart, on the fourth of July. As I’ve said before, there’s more to this life than we’re supposed to know while we’re here.

Who's the Wealthiest New Jerseyan...?

So, who do you think is the wealthiest person in New Jersey? If you said Governor Jon Corzine, sorry, no.

Despite being so rich, he paid his exgirlfriend Carla Katz over $6,000,000 for whatever when they broke up, while giving money to her mother and brother- on-law too. The number one with the biggest bucks in the Garden State is...Jacqueline Mars. You may have never heard of her, but it’s a safe bet you helped make her worth $14,000,000,000.

Yes, that’s 14 billion!

According to Forbes Magazine, she is the 19th richest person in the US of A. And if you still haven’t placed the name, think how sweet her life must be.

Sweet as in candy. M & M Mars. She’s the heiress to the fortune you contribute to, when you buy those M & M’s, and Skittles, and Starburst, and Dove Bars, and on and on and on. All that cash and all the free candy she can eat... By the way, she’s got a long way to go to be number one in the country. Yes, Bill Gates still comes in at number one. His worth is now estimated to be...$59,000,000,000. Let’s see, if he gave that to each of us 300,000,000 or so Americans...well, I can’t figure that out. Dan Klein told me there’d be no math in this job.

Hole In One Odds...?

What’s up with great stories this year involving golfers getting holes-in-one?

Last month in North Jersey, Thomas Brady and Dennis Gerhart, playing in the same foursome on a course in Monroe Township, went back to back aces on the same hole! Mr. Spock, what are the odds on two golfers, same hole, back to back holes in one? Luckily I don’t have to calculate. Somebody did, they declared 17,000,000 to one. A few weeks earlier, just north of Philadelphia, a lady golfer got her first hole in one. Big deal you say? Well, Sheila Drummond is thought to be the first blind female to ever notch an ace in history. And earlier this year, Zeke Grey of Avalon collected a hole in one. Oh, the very next day, on the very same hole, Zeke’s wife Kathy notched her first ace! And on top of that, Zeke was in the next foursome. He sensed something was up when he heard his wife screaming. She immediately used her cell phone to call his cell phone, to confirm what Zeke suspected...one day after he had to buy a round of drinks for everyone in the clubhouse – as tradition dictates – the family bank account got even smaller as Kathy had to pay for everyone’s refresments! Just a thought, if you’re a golfer in the area, who never has made the hole on one shot, take advantage of the nice weather and get out on a course before 2007 comes to an end...

Fun With E-Mail

This month’s Fun With E-Mail came in from, well, let’s just say it was someone in the medical community...

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license; they'll throw you and me both in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here, before I call the police!

The woman reached into her purse, and pulled out a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Greg Maiuro is host of The Asociated Press’ Award Winning “Sports Goomba’s” radio show. The popular show can be heard on NewsTalk 1400 WOND AM on Fridays from 6PM to 8PM.