Thanks for shopping with us...

December 2007/January 2008

Strolling down the boardwalk, thinking about shopping. I detest shopping. I hate it. I’m a guy. It’s in our genes. I do it when it’s necessary, when I need something. More and more via the internet. Some purchases though, I feel the need to look at in person first. Last month, the week before Thanksgiving, I was looking to buy a new stereo system.

Yes, being old enough to still have a crate full of vinyl albums, I wanted to be able to dub them, along with the thousands of cassettes in my home, onto CD’s. I went to the website of a major retailer. I won’t say which, but they use big circles in their logo and signs. Target-looking signs. They had on their site, a system that looked interesting.

Regularly $399, that week, $299. I typed in the zip code, and it said their store in Mays Landing had them in stock. I went in on that Saturday about 10:30 AM. By noon, clerks and managers still could not find what I wanted. They had a lesser model, without cassette capability, but their computers showed they had five with cassette in house. Finally it was determined that both models were in the computer with the same store ID numbers. So, they did not have what I wanted. I was told there was nothing more they could do, except to call the corporate complaint number. Ah, but only on Monday, they don’t answer it on weekends. Monday I called, expecting an apology for wasting my time, and an apology for their error on the numbers. Instead I was told there was nothing that could be done. The sale price expired on Saturday, and they wouldn’t sell one to me for that price, even with my argument that if they had phone lines on Saturday open, I would have called on Saturday. Has this become the norm for giant retailers?

Instead of taking care to please a customer who was ready to buy, just saying, "Too bad, nothing we can do!" I sent an e-mail through their website.

The response was the same. I loved the last line: "Thanks for shopping with us. I hope we’ll see you again soon at Target." Uh, don’t hold your breath.

Who said it first? Please don’t squeeze the Charmin...

Speaking of the world of selling, did you see the story last month of the great toilet paper debate? It started when Dick Wilson died. He was a character actor for much of his life, usually in comedic roles. He was a recurring Nazi on Hogan’s Heroes. He did about a dozen shots on Bewitched, as the drunk in the bar who witnesses weird happenings when Samantha and Darren were on hand, then would swear off ever drinking again. He struck gold in the 60's and 70's when he was cast as shopkeeper Mr. Whipple, who for some reason, hated it when customers wanted to squeeze the Charmin. His obit said he did the role about 500 different times. This all connected to South Jersey when an Ocean City man, Norman Schaut, stepped forward and told the Press of Atlantic City that he was the guy who came up with the line, "Please, don’t squeeze the Charmin!"

He said he worked for an ad agency in New York at the time, telling the paper, "I could comfortably say it was my baby." The story got out, and an irate call came from one John Chervokas, of Ossining, New York. He claimed he worked at the same agency, that he never heard of Schaut, and that he was the creative genius who came up with the line. Which by the way, was named 51st best advertising slogan of the 20th century. People at Proctor and Gamble have said there are no records to determine the truth. There’s nothing on the line, like cash or royalties, so neither can wipe up, I mean clean up, by being right. And let’s hope neither gets mad enough to TP the other’s house. But if they do, it’ll be interesting to see if they use the squeezable soft Charmin.

A Great Sports Story...

Last month’s passing of the former Eagles great and Hall of Famer, Jim Ringo, brought to mind one of the alltime great sports stories. Ringo had been an All-Pro center with the Green Bay Packers for eleven years. Early in 1964, he was ready to negotiate with the legendary coach Vince Lombardi, for a raise. I suppose the coach handled the GM duties as well. Ringo – and I’m guessing it was interesting being named Ringo during the emergence of the Beatles – was one of the first players in sports to hire an agent.

That was not a popular move for a player to take, especially in the eyes of team executives. Lombardi was surprised when Ringo brought in, and introduced, the agent. He asked to be excused from the room, wanting to make a phone call. A short time later, Lombardi returned, saying, "Gentlemen, you’re talking to the wrong team. Mr. Ringo is now a member of the Philadelphia Eagles."

Not that it was a bad move for Philly, they got three Pro Bowl seasons from him in the next four years.

Both Ringo and Lombardi, by the way, were born in New Jersey. Lombardi was announced recently as a member of the first class of inductees into the newly created New Jersey Hall of Fame.

This month’s “Fun With E-Mail...”

This month’s Fun With E-Mail brings more courtroom exchanges, said to be completely true...

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

***

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty one.

***

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

***

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

Greg Maiuro is host of The Asociated Press’ Award Winning “Sports Goomba’s” radio show. The popular show can be heard on NewsTalk 1400 WOND AM on Fridays from 6PM to 8PM.